


Him and Her

by Tallulah



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Being Bad at Feelings, Developing Relationship, F/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-11-06 12:22:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11036109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tallulah/pseuds/Tallulah
Summary: Matsuda seems like he's hiding something, but is that really a problem?





	Him and Her

**Him and Her and Their Reflections**

“So, how are things with lover boy?” Hiromi pouts and combines it with sucking on the straw of her cocktail. Ayako rolls her eyes. “Fine,” she says, mock-sarcasm, prepared for teasing. Not that there's anything much to tease about, but with some friends that's just how you play it.

She expects Hiromi to come back with something kind of dirty, _oh, she says **fine** , she means **sooo fine**_ but her friend raises an eyebrow and says, “Just fine?” like Ayako sounded really moody.

“We've only been going out three months, should it be more than fine at this stage?”

“At this stage you should still be in the warm happy glow of love place. You know, the way he's always up for a drink and never takes anything seriously is still cute and funny rather than something you want to throw a plate at his head for.”

“Hey, you go on and on about how Mayumi's fiance probably gets switched off and put in a cupboard when he's not at work and now you're saying Matsuda's not serious _enough_? God, Hiro.”

Hiromi shrugs. “I call it like I see it. Not that Matsuda's not a nice guy, but what exactly do you talk about with him when you're not complaining about work?”

The question is a tiny earthquake but Ayako manages to cover by telling Hiromi she's way too nosy and clearly needs to get a boyfriend herself rather than live vicariously through her friends. And Hiromi maybe takes the hint because she climbs on the remark about Mayumi's fiance and they spend the rest of the meeting picking apart the partners of the rest of their circle of friends. 

It's when Ayako's on the subway that the question starts to irritate her, like a stone in her shoe. She sits and watches her reflection in the opposite window. She does that more, these days. Matsuda drew her attention to it once - _hey, look at us, we look like an advert!_ She'd said, _For what, a TV special on Tokyo's overworked and underpaid?_ and he'd laughed. 

Talking like that is fine. Talking like that is nice. Someone you can laugh with. 

She finds herself mouthing to her reflection _but sometimes... sometimes I think if I turn round quickly enough, catch him, he won't be laughing at all._

_You like to burn the candle at both ends, don't you?_ she said. He shrugged, grinning but not quite meeting her eyes: _Yeah, well, I came off a pretty tricky case a while back. I mean, literally twenty-four-seven. I'm making up for lost time._

_What kind of case?_

Maybe he didn't hear the question, because he said, _Hey, it's not like I don't want to spend time with you. I can take you out instead, just the two of us. People know what it's like when you start being with someone. Or we can stay in, you can put up with my awful cooking if you **really** want..._ He does that a lot – not listening carefully enough to hear what she asked. Maybe that's why Hiro is funny about him. Thinks he's self-obsessed, or hiding something. But he mostly talks about her, which is really nice, and she's pretty sure he's not secretly married or psycho or into creepy hobbies. She just wonders why he can't let her see him not smiling.

**Him and Her and Their Reality**

They're in bed together, in the middle of things, and everything is _right_. Ayako is on the edge and she knows she'll be taken over it, she's going to make the jump, and Matsuda, inside her, around her, mouth at her neck, whispering, “Oh, god, oh god, Ayako, you, you're, oh _god_ ,” and when she does make it she arches up like she's in a dirty film, right off the bed, the electricity coursing through her.

_This_ , she thinks, after, looking at herself giddy and smeared in the bathroom mirror, _this is perfect._

And she drifts back to the bed and snuggles up to him and he has gone still and he just says, “You know... I think we should... like, call it a day.”

Ayako has jolted away from him. Maybe she misheard or she's hallucinating, still high on the afterglow or something, but she stares at him and he – he looks back for a moment, wearing that half-smile he wears when he's joking around, but it's already turning into a wince and he says again, “It's not your fault or anything, I'm just not looking for anything serious. You know?”

Ayako can tell there is about to be crying and feeling like she's been ground into the carpet and how _dare_ he, and before she can think about how she'd like to react (cold, icy calm, dignity) she is spitting at him, “No. No, I don't know.”

Matsuda shrugs. He tries to shrug. He's trembling. Like this is something he didn't want to do, something he wants to run away from as well. Oh, for god's _sake_. Maybe she didn't think enough about why he was keeping all their conversations light and happy but does he really think he's fooling anyone now?

She carries on, “Because up until now I thought we were fine. I thought we were – we were good.” Tears already in her throat. _We **were** good_. “I mean, god, you certainly seemed to be enjoying it half an hour ago. Or did I misunderstand?”

Matsuda is shaking his head: “No, no, it wasn't – it wasn't that, it... that was amaz – that was nice, it... look, I just, I don't... I said. I don't want to get serious and –”

“No, you clearly don't, do you? Why is that, exactly?” Her voice is cracking. She'd so much rather be having this fight with clothes on and oh, _shit_ , she's going to have to get dressed and storm out and call a goddamn taxi because the trains have stopped by now – 

And how many other girls has he done this to, dumped them because they're getting too serious, laughing at them as they scrabble around in his bedroom looking for their underwear –

Only he's not laughing. He's gone white, looking as sick and hurt as she feels. As if she's the one who just said it was over.

“I'm not a serious person,” he says. His voice is hard and flat but she thinks he's trying to stop it shaking. “I – always said. I just like to have fun and you seem like – you seem like you want more and –”

“You don't look like you're having fun now.” 

Actually she doesn't think she's ever seen him this upset before. Once or twice he was a little quieter and when she asked he was like _something happened at work_ and then twice as enthusiastic as if to pretend he never said anything. And they never talked about anything that would make the other one sad.

“Why are you saying this?” she demands. “And don't try and tell me it's because you want to. You look awful.” A horrible thought slamming against the bottom of her ribs. “Do you... do you have someone else? You're married or something?” 

“Look, you just... you just need to go, all right –”

“Right, you're kicking me out of here at stupid o'clock at night – you didn't even wait til morning – god, I thought you were a nice guy – you invite me over for one last _fuck_ and then you can't even stand to let me sleep here after before you – before you –”

“Okay!” he yells back at her, and she can see tears in his eyes now, too. “Okay, yeah, that's exactly what I did. I'm not nice, I never was, I just let you think – if you knew what I was really like you'd – but I can't, I can't keep pretending and lying and making you think I was, I was a nice person when it's not true –”

He gulps and rubs his hands over his face.

“I didn't mean it to be like you having to go home when it's late. I didn't mean... I like it when you're here, you make it... nice here, I just... what we did just now it was, it was so good and I was so happy and...”

Ayako feels like she's being ripped in two. _Stupid. Stupid stupid._ She thought the happy-go-lucky act was at least a bit of a facade. And all of this was underneath it and she never even _noticed_ –

“It is another girl, isn't it.” If she says it like it's a fact, maybe she won't feel so much like she's being sucker-punched. “You're two-timing her with me and suddenly your conscience has kicked in.”

Matsuda makes a movement that's probably meant to be a shrug but comes off more as if he's trying to shrink away from the situation. Ayako wants to punch him. As if he didn't want this to happen at all, as if none of this is his fault –

“So has anything you've ever said to me been true?” Her voice is all croaky. “You've clearly been... hiding the real you all along and –”

Matsuda blinks and then starts shaking his head, looking as horrified as if he wasn't here for the last ten minutes at all. Ayako's past horrified. She's into _completely humiliated_.

“I was such an idiot,” she carries on, before someone else can point it out. “I knew you were keeping stuff back but I never knew –”

“No,” he says, hoarsely. “It isn't like that. I wasn't... it wasn't like _that_ …”

“Clearly it _was_. You -” 

“Okay,” Matsuda says, tripping over words like he just wants her to stop. “You hate me, that's fine, I want you to, so, so you should just go and find someone who deserves you. Don't think about me any more –”

“It _doesn't work that way!_ ” she screams at him and that's it, she is crying so hard she can't talk. She's sobbing and she's thinking _Stop_ , this isn't helping and she really should just leave but she can't stop crying.

“I know,” Matsuda is saying, over and over, sounding as hopeless as she feels. “I know, I know it doesn't. I’m… oh, god, I’m so sorry.”

She wants to ask him why, if that's the case, he did this, but she can't catch her breath enough at the moment. It probably doesn't matter. She suspects she won't get a real answer.

**Him and Her and Their Reunion**

You can’t cry forever. Ayako goes home in a taxi and cries some more and the next day distracts herself with work until her eyes ache and then spends the next few evenings shouting at inanimate objects in her apartment _How **dare** he_ or _Oh, I’m so sorry I was getting **too serious**_ and _Yes, of course, it's **fine** , go around just pretending to be happy and then have a complete breakdown when I don't notice –_

Her friends are furious on her behalf and they all say he must be commitment-phobic or a cheater and she had a lucky escape. For a while that’s the story she tells. 

She still has his number in her phone. She keeps forgetting to delete it. 

So she knows who it is when a text shows up asking if they can meet.

It’s February now but it’s still winter. She huddles in a café and sips hot chocolate. He shows up at the door ten minutes later, heavy coat, thick scarf. She sees his eyes widen.

She hasn’t exactly been thinking of him every minute but she has sometimes wondered. Hiromi said _Does it matter? He was a jerk_ and it _didn’t_ matter, but she wondered anyway. Sometimes she thought, _he was hurting, and he just didn't know what to do_ , and she wondered why he thought he had to keep all of it back for so long. 

He wanders over to sit opposite her. “I can… oh, okay, you already have… I can get you another drink?”

“It’s fine. Get yourself something,” she says. It comes out with a smile. Good; she seems like she’s fine, like he hardly touched her.

“Thanks for meeting me,” he says when he’s got himself a coffee. “I know it’s… I know you probably didn’t want to.”

Ayako shrugs. He’s not the only one who can keep things back, not now.

“Uh... I wanted to talk to you because... okay, so I was kind of… crazy this last year,” he carries on. Staring at the coffee now. “I was trying to pretend like I was fine and everything was fine and it… crashed and burned a bit. So I – I’m not asking you for anything, this isn’t a… a thing like that… I just wanted to tell you I was sorry? Because I was really mean to you and… and I didn’t think how it would feel and…”

He still does that thing – talks and looks at her to see if she likes what he’s saying. Plus she's remembering that she just really enjoyed hanging out with him. 

“Hey,” she says, trying to keep her voice cool, “If you didn’t want to carry on, that was your choice. And I… probably should’ve reacted better. You know. Less yelling and crying.”

She meant it to sound like a joke, but it doesn't, and he bites his lip.

“No,” he says, “see, I… you were right. Because I was pretending.”

He takes a deep breath. Then a sip of the coffee. Still not looking at her.

“See, last year… like almost exactly a year ago, someone… there was a friend and – and they really… they lied to me. Like, a lot of lies. Not a girlfriend,” he says, quickly. “Just a… a friend. But I thought they were different.” A sour edge to his voice now, one she hasn’t heard before. “I believed everything they told me and I thought we were friends and… we never were. They were just using me.”

“You’re sure it wasn’t a girlfriend?” His voice is making her think of coffee, unsweetened, black, left to stew. She’s had some spats with friends but nothing that’s left real marks.

He shakes his head. “I know it sounds like I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I mean, sometimes it feels like I am? Like it all never happened and I just… made it up because nothing’s changed, but he’s gone and it was my –”

He stops, quickly. 

“You cut ties?” she says. “It was that bad?”

“I… acted really… like I completely lost it when I found out. Trust me, you crying and yelling a bit was _nothing_.” He kind of looks nervously at her. She makes herself not smile – she’s not going to walk straight back into whatever this is – but she doesn’t give him the icy stare either.

“So I, so I didn’t want to deal with all that stuff. I met you and you seemed really nice and really… like, together, you know? But you didn’t think I was an idiot. Well, you probably do, now, but… I mean, then, you… it seemed like we liked the same stuff and… you didn’t seem bored and… and you’re really cute.” Turning red. Drumming his fingers against the coffee cup. “I was trying to be normal. Like pretend nothing had… like I didn’t have all this… crazy stuff. ‘Cause, you know, you’d run a mile if you knew. You deserve way better.”

“But… you broke up with _me_.”

Matsuda nods – or maybe just ducks his head to blow on his coffee. “Mm.”

Silence for a moment. Is he going to start explaining why? That probably isn't a good idea. It'll be excuses, or it'll be a list of how she wasn't supportive enough, or something else she doesn't need to hear.

“You can stick to the _it’s not you, it’s me_ line if you want,” she says, when it seems like he's not going to speak. “Perhaps that’s…”

“It wasn’t you, though,” he says, very quietly.

She should cut this conversation off.

But he's telling her something, and even if it's not real then it's a different kind of lie from before, right?

He runs his hands over his face and mutters to them, “So I really liked you and partly it was, it’s harder to pretend with someone when you start really liking them. I didn’t want to tell you all this stuff and, and the pretending was getting really difficult. So I was freaking out about that. And… and partly it…” He stops, swallows. She can see his hands are shaking.

“Oh, just say it,” she says. “It’s not going to make things worse.”

“You were really nice. I really liked being with you. And, you know, _being_ with you. What we did, that last night, it… it felt so… like we were really close? And I don’t deserve stuff like that.” The last part is said completely matter-of-fact, as if it's obvious. If he were counting on her leaping in to say _no, you do, you do_ then wouldn't he sound more self-pitying?

“Like what?” she says. “Uh – having...”

“Not – not that. I mean I _don't_ , but I meant... feeling that... having someone care about you that... I thought, _god, I love her so much_ and then I realised what I was doing. I was just going along like... like all the things I'd done hadn't happened.”

“That...” She's going kind of red. _Love her so much_ , huh? Just a line? This is stupid. She should be running a mile. “That doesn't make sense. I don't have anything to do with – with these things that happened before.”

“Yeah, but if you knew...”

Ayako stares down at the dregs of hot chocolate. The china mug is cool. She could just go. Not leaving anything behind here.

“All right,” she says, making herself look back at him, meet his eyes. He looks as nervous as she feels. “Why don't you tell me?”

He's shaking his head before she's even finished, and she has to say, “Not _now_. Maybe not for a long time. But... whatever it was, you seem like you're sorry. That's a... that's a good start, right? I just mean... maybe we can try and... and be friends. I'm over the whole yelling and crying thing, and you... it'd be nice to talk to the real you.”

He laughs, nervously: “I don't know, the real me's pretty dumb and annoying. You'd get bored.”

“I'll decide when I'm bored, thank you,” she says. “In the meantime, why don't you buy me a coffee?”

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for 12daysChristmas on LiveJournal.


End file.
